My 2014 Resolution

This post is going to be very personal for me. It's going to scare me to click the publish button on the top of the page, but if someone reads this and wants to change as well then it'll be worth it. I hope it'll be worth it.

I don't usually like doing resolutions, because I tend to not be able to keep them and that's always disappointing. This year went by extremely fast. I can't believe that 2013 is over and 2014 is now beginning. I don't really feel like I did a whole lot in 2013 even though I know that's not true. I did a lot, but looking back, there are a lot of things that I would have done different if given the chance.

For anyone who really knows me, you know that I'm not a very positive person. I have trust issues and look at the world from a glass-half-empty perspective. It's hard for me to open up to people because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I've struggled with eating in the past, and I've always had self-image issues. I'm one of those annoying girls who literally cannot accept a compliment. I don't see myself like that. I never have. It's hard for me to realize that people can have opinions about me that are different from my own.

I was never bullied growing up, so I don't know why I have this issues. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself all the time. I don't know why I always belittle myself and tear down everything. If I do something well, I always think about what I could have done better. I see the flaws in everything I do and it really bothers me that I can look at the bright side. 

I've decided that I'm tried of being so down on myself. I'm tried of looking in the mirror and cringing. I'm tried of comparing myself to other girls and wondering why I don't look like that. Why I'm not taller or thinner or prettier. I'm tired of seeing people who can go into a new situation and get along with everyone in the room and being jealous of them. I'm tired of wondering about why I get anxiety in large groups of people. I'm tried of wishing that I could be outgoing. I don't like reading other books and comparing my writing style to them, and I'm tried of second-guessing everything I do.

I walk through my college campus and I see people laughing and being carefree, and I wonder why I'm not like that. I see girls on my floor who are really confident in their skin, and I wonder why I'm not like them. 

I'm going to make 2014 a new year for me. 

I'm determined to make this year different than the ones in the past. I'm going to try and start looking at things for a new light. I'm going to not be so hard on myself. I know I'm not the only person in the world that has these issues.

Instead of being so negative all the time, I'm going to force myself to see things differently. Life is too short. I don't want to spend my whole life comparing myself to others. I have social anxiety. So what? I can work on that. I'm not meant to be super tall or super thin or super pretty, but I need to start being comfortable in my own skin. I may not be meant to have tons of friends, but I do have some really close friends that mean so much to me. 

All writers have their own voice and I'm going to work on understanding that my voice is MY voice. I can't compare myself to others, because we're all unique and our writing reflects that.

I'm a socially-awkward, self-conscious, confused girl in college and I'm going to work on realizing that it's okay to have doubts. It's okay to question myself, but it's not okay to constantly tear myself down. I'm my own worst critique, personally and professionally, and I need to work on not only critiquing but also reassuring.

2013 was an amazing year for me. I self-published four novels in ten months, started five other novels, and wrote over 620K words. I finished my freshman year of college and started my sophomore year. I went to UtopYA Con and met many of the authors that inspired me to start writing. I nerded out at Wizard World in Universal Studios. I've met and become friends with so many people online and in real life who have been incredibly supportive of me because of my books--because I stepped out of comfort zone and did something that scared me. 

2014 is going to be a year of overcoming all of the obstacles in front of me. So many of my obstacles are self-made and I need to tear those down by building myself up. I'm not saying that I'm going to completely change my personality. I'm always going to be a slightly negative person. It's who I am, but I don't have to be so hard on myself. I don't have to look in the mirror and only comment on my flaws. I don't have to compare myself to others.

Life is one giant work in progress, and I'm changing my story. I'm done being so hard on myself. I've created a profession for myself where others get to do that. I don't need to add anything more on top of that. I'm going to work on being comfortable with who I am and realize that I don't need to change.   I know that I have a problem. I've known about it for years, but I've never tried to change before.

I'm me. Kaitlyn Hoyt. I'm weird. I'm a nerd. I have problems in large crowds and would rather spend my weekends writing about fictional characters or reading than go out. 2014 is going to be the year where I realize that that is not a bad thing. I may always have a low self-esteem, but I don't need to the be one who is commenting on it. I am good enough being who I am. 2014 is going to be the year where I realize it or at least I'm going to work on realizing that.

The world could use more positiveness (positivity? is that a word? I can't think of the word I want to use there.) I've deemed 2014 a better year for a better me. You should too. :)

I've seen this move twice now, and I absolutely loved it both time. This is almost as bad as my Tangled obsession.

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